October 13th 2008 - Litton Opinions Split By Congestion Charge Plan
Controversial proposals to introduce a Ken Livingstone-style congestion charge to the centre of Litton have divided local residents.
The radical plans were written up by Arkwright Ackroyd on the back of a beer mat at the bar of The Queen's Arms last Thursday. "It took me a whole two minutes to drive through Litton the other day," he explains. "It's scandalous. It's just a matter of time before the whole village is gridlocked and urgent action is required. The congestion charge is the most effective solution, in my opinion."
Local Farmer Cedric Ackroyd sees things differently: "I was just moving my sheep from the lower field to the upper field, and unfortunately they briefly delayed Arkwright's pressing appointment with a pint and a game of dominoes. I'm not sure how he's planning to impose this charge anyway," he continues. "If you sent a bill to the sheep, very few of them would be able to read it, let alone fill out the rather complicated direct debit form. Most of them would probably just eat it, anyway. It's your round, isn't it?"
At the time of writing, Arkwright was unable to give precise details on how the income from his proposed scheme would be used.
May 22nd 2008 - The Road from Halton Gill to Litton If you've travelled to Litton via Halton Gill in the past few months, you will have noticed the deteriorating state of the road surface just after the hump brige, which is now in a dreadful condition. Litton villagers are raising a petition requesting urgent repair and maintenance action from the local authority. The petition can be signed at the Queen's Arms and Litton Post Office. Update: October 2008. Good news - the road has now been repaired!
May 20th 2008 - Broadband The continuing absence of investment from BT into broadband connectivity in Litton is having an increasingly detrimental effect on the community, particularly the younger people who are unable to gain access to the wealth of educational material available on the web. Additionally, businesses are unable to transact data at economic rates to be competitive, and the status of the community as a whole relative to the rest of the UK is in danger of becoming a `laughing stock` as a result. Litton parishioners are planning a massive PR campaign aimed at BT`s Community Corporate Communications department to bring the much vaunted technological progress to this community...
May 19th 2008 - Air Travel News
We are delighted to announce the long-awaited opening of Litton International Airport. From June 12th onwards, local farmer Cedric Ackroyd will be making his lower field available to air traffic, subject to a handful of small restrictions.
"It's very exciting, and not a moment too soon," Cedric enthuses. "For years Litton has been crying out for a high quality aviation terminal, but the main airport operators just weren't interested in investing. At long last we can give Litton the air link it deserves."
When asked about the restrictions, Cedric was happy to explain. "The lower field isn't big enough for a full-length runway at the moment, so traffic will be limited to vertical or short take-off and landing aircraft, such as small helicopters, hang gliders or the Hawker Harrier jump jet. It would probably be a good idea for passengers to bring their own wellies, too. It's your round, isn't it?"
Landing slots at Litton International Airport are available throughout the peak spring and summer period. Interested airline operators should contact the Queen's Arms Inn, who will pass messages on to Cedric when he next comes in.
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